Time gets away from me so easily! I’ve needed to write, for me, but we’ve been so busy with Christmas and doing construction on our new building that I haven’t had time to think, must less write. Every Thanksgiving and Christmas season brings such a flood of emotions for me. I actually thought this year would be different since I’ve gotten healing from so many things that the wounding of no patriarchal family today and into recognizing what is in front of my face, an incredible family. Wrong. Even though that is where I find myself today, I still fluctuate from grief to joy in milliseconds throughout most days. It has been a more joy filled Christmas season, we’ve laughed a lot. Hubby has been calmer and that helps me to keep my emotions in check better. Also, I find myself consistently asking God about my emotions and where they came from. Unfortunately, sometimes I have to ask Him after I’ve already blown up and the damage is done.
This last week has been the hardest. Christmas without Connor here is always difficult and Caylee and I are butting heads a lot. There is so much work to be done that we can’t get away from one another and nothing is getting done consistently at the house. She is a champion at helping us with projects like construction and painting and frankly, we couldn’t ever meet our timelines without her I don’t think. Her top love language is acts of service and serve us she does! Thank you Caylee! I try and always let her know how grateful I am for what she brings to our family because we all need to hear that and she is greatly appreciated. Because we have struggled so much, we all decided it is time for her to move out. I want her to be able to enjoy her home and space like we all need to, but this is our home so she doesn’t get to make herself at home here. We are not good roommates. I am particular about things being where I left them last and that isn’t real important to her so you can imagine where that could lead. I’ve told her that I didn’t get to choose my kids they were given to me and I love her dearly but as an adult I would not choose to be her roommate, enough said. She is 23, employed full-time, and has her weekends free to work a second job if necessary. Her dad and I did that to make ends meet and we have always felt we taught our kids to do the same so we are roommate shopping for Caylee. I think she will do great and we always will be here to help our kids if they need us.
Since we made that decision, my heart has gone back and forth and with it my emotions. Some of the questions that come up are “is she ready?”, “Will we lose her altogether?”, “Are we doing the right thing?”, “Couldn’t she just stay until she gets married?”. Unfortunately, the answer to the last one is no. We truly feel that we are being led by the Spirit to help her leave but she threw a wrench in it yesterday when she told me she might not be attending church with us on Sundays anymore. What?? She LOVES attending church with us! In that moment I thought to myself, “I will never see her.”. It also didn’t make a lot of sense that she would be saying that either after the many many conversations she and I have had over the years about our family attending church together. We kept our kids in church with us to root that deeply. She has told me she wouldn’t choose to go to the church that Nate attends so I was blind-sighted. I’ve dreamed of our grandchildren being up on the stage doing the Christmas musicals and singing songs. Now I’m hearing she is moving out and she will not be in our church with her family! She loves our church. She loves the worship at our church which is what draws us all back in this season. There has been a little upheaval in the church, but God has a plan in all of that. The children in our church have been prophesied over and I always hoped our kids were part of that and that our grandchildren would be as well. The worst part is that I won’t have my daughter who loves to worship next to me, hand in hand sometimes, worshiping with me,ever! Because of the conversations I have had with Caylee, I couldn’t even fathom her choosing that! We’ve talked and she has decided the only reason she gave in was to stop disagreement on it, not because she wanted to. There are more conversations to be had, but for now she has decided she will split her time if necessary. I can live with half of the time for now, but I definitely will be praying that God will work in it to change hearts, all of ours.
Then there are the emotions that are tied to buying our first property and being on a deadline to open it. We pray we will get it done and be opened January 28. I think it will happen because of all we already have done. We had to flip a house in 30 days, this should be cake. Still, there is a lot to do and Hubby gets riled when he’s stressed and that jumps onto me sometimes. Those are familiar emotions and don’t get me out of sorts too much but they are there among all the other ones I’m facing in this season so it does add. Along with construction comes pain. My hands and arms on on fire most of the time these days, it is not fun. I’ve used them to pull trim, sanding, and a heck of a lot of painting. I’m fast at it and pretty good so I push through and do it even when my body is screaming to stop. I know I am getting older but this is stinking ridiculous! Pain brings it’s own emotions and I get caught up in them when it hits a six on the pain scale.
It’s New Years Eve now and I am ready for a new start! I love that we get new years to start fresh and hopeful. I foresee 2019 as being an incredible year filled with more healing and deliverance in our bodies, and in our hearts. Not only for me and my family, but for our brothers and sisters all over the world. I believe God is doing a new things and His Spirit is being poured out. All these emotions? Well, some are holy as my title says but some are not, my job is to figure out which is which and work through the wounded ones. I see 2019 as being a year of that. Hubby’s word for the year is Restoration. What a great word! I wear a bracelet that reads “Restoration” from a seminar Hubby and I attended led by John Eldredge and Dan Allender a few years ago. This year should fun as I watch Hubby find his Restoration. I hope to offer you some of what that looks like for him in the coming year. My word is Blessed. I’ll put the Scripture God placed on our hearts over and over that has led each of us to our word. Pastor Groeschel challenged his church to discover their word for the year with God every year and it has stuck. Many of our friends pray heavily on what word God will be rooting into their hearts in the coming year and Hubby and I join them. Sometimes it is after the first of the year before we hear it, but this year we are both prepared for God to do some amazing rooting in our hearts with these two words. Pray about your word, seek it in His Word, and let Him do some amazing things with your 2019. Restoration and Blessed, I am super excited!
Hubby’s doesn’t use the exact word of Restoration, but God led him to it and told him that was what it was saying to him so here is his verse:
“For I will pour out water to quench your thirst and to irrigate your parched fields. And I will pour out my Spirit on your descendants, and my blessing on your children. They will thrive like watered grass, like willows on a riverbank.”
Here is mine:
“You are blessed because you believed that the Lord would do what He said.” Luke 1:45