My Truest Self

All of my life I have been searching for me. I didn’t understand why I never seemed to fit in our family as a child. I would hear things while seeing things different than the words and I was confused. Things in my home didn’t seem right to me and yet people on the outside thought we were the perfect family. I always felt like I was the one kid they shouldn’t have had and that one of the miscarriages mom had should have been born instead. I think I may have started on my journey to find my truest self from the time I was in my early teens.

Counseling has been a part of my life my entire life. I don’t recall when I went to my first counselor, but my dad was always trying to figure himself out and he sent me so that he might understand me. That is what I have always thought anyway. Because of that, I have always sought to know and understand myself more. This past ten years, since I survived my small bowel shutting down for over three weeks, I have been seeking to find the healthiest Chandra I can. Hubby and I are together for life so I want to offer him a spouse who loves well and deeply. I believe that marriage is about bringing out the best in one another and I can only do that if I am offering my best. Matthew 22:37-39 says to love the Lord with all of your heart, soul, and mind and to love others as you love yourself. What I discovered a long time ago is that I didn’t love myself very much. When you don’t feel like you fit in the family God put you in, it can do a work on your self-esteem. I didn’t love me, how could I possibly love Hubby? Or anyone else? I want to love them well, all people well, so I have to love me first.

In two weeks I will be heading to Colorado to continue this journey of loving myself well first. I am attending a place called Restoring the Soul. It is a place that offers one- and two-weeks of intensive counseling. I am starting with one week, I don’t know if this Enneagram 7, someone who tends to live in the future, could survive two weeks of looking at things that will cause me to feel pain. One week will be a great start and I will learn how to sit in feelings knowing that they won’t do any permanent damage to me. I’m not quite sure that I am confident of that today, but I am trusting that God has this planned for me and He will not fail me in the process. This place has a lot of people I admire listed on their attendees and the reviews say it’s incredible, it’s like six months of counseling in one week. I’m excited about what God is going to heal while I am there and about how much more I will know my truest self, the woman God created me to be. Your prayers are appreciated as I prepare and even more while I am there. I will fill you in when I return!

“Jesus replied, “‘You must love the Lord your God with all your heart, all your soul, and all your mind.’ this is the first and greatest commandment. A second is equally important: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.'” Matthew 22:37-39