Conflict of Desire

“It is time to write.” I heard Daddy say to me. I have avoided writing now for nearly a year, in fact I wasn’t sure I would write again. Today, I am at a crossroads in my life and I write. It’s what I did with my education, so it must be what I’m passionate about. Our marriage counselor has said a few times that I should write a book. Funny thing is, I didn’t hear him saying to write a book my mind heard him telling me to shut up. As a kid, I was told many ways to sit down, shut up, and behave. One of those ways was when I would sing with the radio, I was asked who the original singer was and when I said it I was told to let them sing it then. That painful memory, along with many others tells me to keep my mouth shut and no one wants to hear me. I wish I would have asked myself why someone that is helping me to become what God created me to be tell me to shut up, again? That is what I heard as a child, so often that it bore a deep hole in me, and thus, I talk…. a lot! So, I assumed that his meaning, that I needed to talk less. This week I decided to ask him to “stop telling me to shut up by telling me to write a book”, and guess what I discovered, he really thinks I should write a book! So, modern day book, here I come. It will be in short spurts of messages that God is working with me on as I go through the story of my life. Today, I have a conflict of desire, and the crossroads that I find myself at, well it may be just what someone needs to hear. I am writing this for me, foremost, as God is healing deep wounds in me; someone else might need the conversation He and I have about it.  I will let you know that I am transparent, I don’t really know any other way to be. I may not share every detail, but if you follow my blog, you will know much of me. If you are reading this, welcome to the beauty that Christ is unfolding in me, that He created in me to offer. There is a lot of yuck in this story, a lot of pain, and a lot of trauma, but He is faithful and I pray YOU SEE His faithfulness to me and it offers you renewed hope.

Conflict of desire, I learned that terminology recently at a weekend Matt (known henceforth as “hubby”) and I were invited to attend for Community Group leadership at our church. We were so excited to be invited! It was a weekend filled with new concepts and teachings we hadn’t heard before and the one that continues to rear it’s head to me is – conflict of desire. I have faced many years of poor health, surgery after surgery, cast after cast, learning to walk again, write again, use a phone again, and even use the computer that I am typing on right now, again. In the hospital, out of the hospital, taking tons of pain controllers, getting off pain controllers, numbing myself to the point of no memory and then struggling with wanting to feel everything. Back and forth, up and down, good then bad, every conflict imaginable. It has seemed a never ending fight to fully be sold out to my Creator and not to the things of this world. If you have been through health issues of any kind, you might be able to relate to the constant seeking for answers in this world to fix problems that are deep inside. The wounds so deep that you don’t even know they are there, you only know you want the hurt to stop.

I’ve not only used many methods of numbing, I have exposed myself to things that are just really bad for me over the years. It started early with me, I found myself smoking at the ripe young age of 14. It was introduced to me by kids from school and made okay for me by my uncle – if he could then it must be okay. My parents weren’t smokers, but two of their three kids smoked. Both hubby and I were regular smokers for most of our kids lives and now two of the three of ours smoke, I guess either way it can happen. I run back to that vice sometimes, mostly when I can’t find anything else that’s working. I don’t really know why, and frankly, if that is the worst I do it might not kill me…but it could. That is the crossroads I am at today, turning it all over for the sake of fulfilling my calling here. Something has to give in my life, I want to end the searching for numbing and cling to my design and yet, I find myself reaching for everything that isn’t good for me. Food, cigarettes, wine, pain meds, and just about anything that will stop the hurt is where I tend to go instead of to my knees. All the while knowing that I won’t find the answers to the pain I am experiencing in any of that, there isn’t a cure there, only prolonged suffering.

This morning as I got ready for church, I found myself on my knees at the foot of my bed crying out to God as fear was overwhelming me. The fear I was experiencing was fear of not being here to fulfill what He put me here for, or suffering the remainder of time I am here. Why would I suffer? I have messed my body up so badly with the chemicals that run through could end me up in hospital any given day, not the best way to enjoy my kids or future grandkids, or help hubby in our business, or travel, or love. On the outside, no one would really know the depths of my lack of self control. If you knew me at home you’d see just how much of a roller coaster I stay on with wanting healing and yet reaching for all the wrong things. I found myself crying out to God, yet again, that I want life to the full; it is His promise to me in John 10:10, so I want it! Here is the conflict… I have a good idea what it looks like but I tend to choose the opposite. 😦

When I ask God what He wants from me? He asks me what I want. That isn’t helpful. What He wants for me is what every dad wants for their daughter, right? I don’t have a very good picture of that. I struggle with believing that I have to earn or prove, but He keeps telling me grace doesn’t look like that. When the daily choices are to be made, my own thought patterns take over and I tend to fail at my giving myself my best. I’ve made so many bad choices when it comes to life, I have seen more things that lead me to sin than I wish I ever would have! I’ve opened doors that God never wanted opened but I chose or others chose for me through exposure as a kid. There is simply nothing good in me but Christ Himself because left to my own devices, I think my choices would have done me in.

I want Christ. I want life to the full. I want health. I want wealth. I want safety. I want love. I want Christ. The only way to find Him in this mess I’ve made is to seek Him. Spending time with Him is about all that keeps me sane sometimes, knowing that He loves me and is rooting for me is all I have to hope in. Offering my best to myself by making good choices in my life, that is loving myself. I guess looking at it this way, I can hear God saying His best is my best. Today I began a cleanse, it’s a five day detox for this tired body of mine that is causing ravenous itching that I pray stops soon. The toxins are built up so badly after a surgery I had three weeks ago that my body needs a do over. I do not enjoy drinking the shakes or taking the supplements, as a matter of fact it is last on my list of “to do’s”. Self-control has not been one of my gleaming qualities, but hubby said he would join me and so I am devoting myself to seeking God when I want to eat or do anything that will hurt me getting my body in working order. Please pray for me if you are reading this, I want Dad’s best for myself, for all of us, and getting healthy I would assume is on His list of life to the full for Chandra.

I hope anyone that reads this will find life, light, faithfulness, and hope in it. I invite anyone to share their story, we grow closer to Christ and each other through our testimonies. A shepherd pastor of mine said one day time that “we impress through our strengths, but we connect through our weaknesses”. I will pray for connection and love and truth to come from here…

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THIS, this, is beauty unfolding

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