I am excited to write this morning! I haven’t been very consistent with writing on here, I know I need to more often, only for the sake of my soul. Writing is healing for me, I guess that is why God helped me land in Journalism in college. Prior to taking a class there, I knew nothing about it and somehow ended up with a Journalism degree. Putting things on paper and in computers, thoughts and ideas, is very cleansing. One of our friends gets on his computer with Jesus real often, his wife teases him about it. Today Jesus and I were talking and things began to flow, there really is a place of rest in the presence of God. I didn’t know what that was just a few short years ago, gratefully God has taken me on a journey as He is fulfilling all the requests I’ve made of Him over the years. That leads me to the verse I want to share with you today and what is brewing inside…
“Blessed is she who has believed that the Lord would fulfill His promises to her”
That is the verse on the front of my new journal and it sits beside my computer, as I walked in to write Jesus pointed it out to me. “Blessed is she……”, some days I don’t feel blessed, it’s not that I don’t realize I am VERY blessed, it’s because something has happened with another human being and I’m sad. This morning started with the same thoughts I couldn’t shake away yesterday about a person I love dearly, one of my husband’s unspoken mentors, a person I look up to and see the anointing oozing from, that human has hurt my feelings. I’m struggling with knowing Jesus in situations like this, would Jesus say to confront the hurt feelings or would He tell me to “get over it” and move forward? The thing is small, but it has happened twice now and I feel very ignored and unloved by them and I don’t know how to let go of it. Hubby’s advice is to let it go and forgive, move forward. I am really good about that if there is other love being deposited by someone else, but when there is distance and longing for that relationship to grow, it is really hard to just move forward. My heart is hurting. Abandonment is a real thing and silence for me is like a knife in my heart! That is how my dad dealt with things in our home growing up, he was always on the outs with one of us and you didn’t want to be the one. Unfortunately, it feels like I was the one most of the time and now, as an adult it shows up in situations like this.
Most of my life, if not all of it, I have been told that the best thing to do for the relationship is to forgive and forget. Here’s the problem, I don’t think I am built like that. It seems to go against every thing inside of me in fact. My question then becomes, am I being who God created me to be if I do that, or would I be bending my will to that of the Father if forgive and forget? And, if that is what I am supposed to do, wouldn’t God give me that ability? In talking with our marriage coach, he is built a lot like me, the same person was handling him like this and he confronted it head on. When I talked with him about it, and I was arguing from the forgive and forget place, he told me that handling things with grace but confrontation is actually Biblical. I will share with you that confronting hurt feelings with someone that has caused the hurt is HIGHLY risky, especially if you do life in close proximity with them on any level. I can say that from a LOT of personal experience! I have lost many friends throughout my life because I would want resolution and healing from hurt feelings. Here’s the thing, most of the time, the other person doesn’t even realize they’ve done anything to cause hurt, but confronting them on it brings vulnerability. Hubby is VERY uncomfortable with that vulnerability. As he and I grow closer, he is becoming more open and honest, but that is with me not others and I think after all these years and the life we lead, he knows he is safe. With others however, he (we) are not. At least we haven’t been very safe thus far. John Eldredge calls it his bones in the boneyard, for me it is a slew of hurt feelings on them and sadness on me that I didn’t handle it well or could have forgiven and forgotten and I didn’t. Confronting things is scary, it’s like I know I need to, but I also know if I mess up in the way I handle it, it could be bad. It could cause great loss in our lives if it goes badly and last weekend Hubby got afraid of that and didn’t even attend church with me. We both know it was all a scheme of the enemy now, but in the midst of one of his attacks sometimes we listen rather than binding his lies. The attack on us began that morning when I finally shared with Hubby that my feelings were hurt and although I know I have control over what I think on, I couldn’t shake this. I know that it is linked to my past, but I really would like for it to stop happening and if I don’t bring it out it may not. If the other person is not aware of something paining me so deeply, they don’t have the opportunity to change how they handle me. That is part of the risk too, I find out if loving me well is a priority in their life or not and sometimes the response is painful. Which is what Jesus would do and which is who He created me to be? Is there joy in the pain and healing in the process? I don’t know and I can honestly tell you, I would love some loving Christian guidance from some of you that I know read this. Would you offer it in the comments for me? I am sure other people struggle with this same inner conflict and the body of Christ can rise up together with all of our different ideas and experience put together. Otherwise, you can offer in Messenger or text if we are that close, but I sure would appreciate it.
Now to bring all of this back to that beautiful verse Jesus pointed out to me many years ago and again today, “Blessed is she…”. Blessed am I! In the midst of the battle in my mind this morning, wanting to fix this problem in my head and stop the pain, our Videographer from our office sent me a message that he had posted our Testimonial Tuesday on our practice Facebook page. I quickly opened the app and watched the video for today, by the end I had tears in my eyes. I hear the testimonies when Joe Public does so this was a gift to watch today. The lady on the film has been a friend for five years and she has been a challenging friend in my life (God always brings those to us to grow I us, or so I’ve heard). She has a beautiful soul, who God created her to be is remarkable. She is loving, caring, genuine, kind, generous, I could go on and on, but she really struggles to see that in herself and it handicaps what she offers to others. She and I have been on top of mountains and deep into valleys together in those five years and I am grateful for the entire journey. I knew Jordan had taped her, but I had no clue what she might say and she blessed my heart with joy and gladness this morning! I needed to hear that we, Hubby and I, shine Jesus even in relationships where it has been such a roller coaster of a ride. And for her her to share that with the audience is such a blessing because one thing I ask of Jesus, the one that is the deepest longing of my heart, is that I shine Jesus to everyone I meet. It is a desire of mine to leave everyone better than I found them, confrontation doesn’t seem to fit in there but does it? God bless and have an awesome day, practice the Presence of Jesus today, you will be glad you did!