This morning I woke up sad. Before I even turned my head on my pillow, I was in tears. I’m not sure why this happens to me. It doesn’t happen real often, but every now and then it does and today was the day. As I look back to my first thoughts, they were just, well, sad. Some parts of my life are just really sad. I know that there is someone out there that has it worse than I do, but I only fully know my story and the emotions I developed as a child read through my childhood with pain.
I’ve had a lot of memories over the past few weeks and it hasn’t been very easy. I’ve been super busy so there hasn’t been a lot of time to look at the memories for too long, typically I see it and begin to tear up and then hand it to God and let go for the moment. I don’t know that I am ready to go back, it’s all been blocked for so long and the results in my family dynamic say it wasn’t good. This morning it’s almost like God is saying, “it’s time”. My first thought (it’s really a shout in my head to Him) is, “I’m not ready!”. I think He probably knows me better than I know myself and so if it is time, I guess it’s just time.
My childhood, by far, was not the worst I’ve ever heard of and if I compare my story to another, I almost sound super selfish. I’ve been told that when I talk about being abused as a child around Hubby’s sister in law it upsets her. The reason I heard that it upset her was because compared to her childhood, mine was a piece of cake and you know what, she may be right. Somehow we both ended up married into this family and so our paths got us to somewhat the same place. I think the reason could be that she doesn’t like to think about her childhood and though I get why, it isn’t very healthy. I don’t know if I talk about some of the things I endured to seek sympathy or if it’s to help someone see that God always offers a way out? It could be a little of both and compared to another, it may appear to have been easy. I remember a conversation my brother and I had when we were between 9 and 14, (he and I are four years apart and I am the baby, needless to say I have been observing life since I was young) the gist of it was that everyone on the outside thought we were the perfect family but if they knew what it was like it would change a lot of things.
I remember during that same time period that I would leave school with a stomach ache a lot. I was in elementary school, we lived in Ft. Gibson, my dad was running for office and I was with sitters and alone a lot. We lived out in the country so I was safe and I loved being out there, but I was lonely. It seems I’ve been lonely a lot during my life. Somehow, even as a child, I knew God was there. It was during that time that I asked Jesus into my heart. I don’t know if I fully understand it at the age of nine, but I sensed from that time on that I wasn’t fully alone. Almost every memory that God brings into my mind is me… alone. Wow was God good to me when he gave me a man like Hubby! Very few people are a loyal and steadfast to love their spouses well as he is. His heart is in constant pursuit of loving me well. That doesn’t mean that he never wants things different than I do, what it means is that if he knows my desire is different than his then he will try and figure out a win-win. Not only that, but he has told me more than once that he has NEVER considered leaving me. Really? That is crazy to me because I have definitely thought of leaving him a time or two. You don’t find that in this world, that is a love that is priceless, a love like, well, Jesus. No, he doesn’t love perfectly, none of us do, our own will gets in the way and he does not give that up. What he does is offers me a picture of what Beloved looks like only Jesus’ offer was way better.
Loneliness has been a common theme in my life. I’ve been told to look back and see where the common theme is and there is where the enemy has attacked so for me one area is people. I think I was so desperate for friendship, for someone to give me assurance that I had value and that I was worthy. I didn’t feel either of those things, I was thirsting for anyone to notice me and choose me. Shortly after my dad lost the second bid for Congress, we moved and I changed schools yet again, and I was lonely. I started smoking at that time, it wasn’t constant and my uncle smoked so I tried it and I was hooked. I know it’s gross now, but once you’ve used that as a calming agent it is a really hard habit to break and I still go through periods of struggle with it. This morning as I awoke, my loneliness was current not past. It’s a sadness because the only family I have IS Hubby, Coree, Connor, and Caylee. My mom gave me an expectation of family being so much more than it is for me today. While she was living, we celebrated holidays as a family and now, nothing. Last week was Hubby’s and our twins’s birthdays and there wasn’t even a phone call or the rather consistent text from years past, it makes me sad. I haven’t spent a holiday with my family in two years and the last ones weren’t worth writing home about. I don’t really have a family. I am working through why, with three living immediate relatives, I don’t have a family, but for now I am simply hurting in it. None but Matt and the kids really know the extent of pain caused by those that are still living, and it is healthier for me if I love from a distance for now. I don’t know what God will do, I pray about it a lot and I have to leave it to Him. It’s sad for me, I am the only girl so I have those emotions and I have always wanted a loving, caring, compassionate, fun, loud family and it isn’t what I got. Loud, yes, dominant, manipulative, selfish, self-absorbed, yes, and I sad to say I’ve been all of those things. Gratefully, I’ve grown. I would love to have a relationship with them now that I am more mature and healthier, but only if it’s going to be a healthy relationship and a win-win. I can love them from afar for now and pray that God will work miracles. If that doesn’t happen here, I know that I will be reunited with them in heaven and I may have to settle for that.
If you sense God calling you to pray for my heart today, I would really appreciate it. It’s hard to get it together when you are crying before you get out of bed. Just asking for prayer has started the waterworks again. I’m making a lot of changes in my habits this week too and would appreciate you saying a prayer over that. I don’t know who reads this, but I do know that God leads those He calls so if you are praying for me or just reading this, you have been called by God to be a part of my story, so welcome…I’m just keeping it real and keeping my eyes on the cross…
“He comforts us in all our troubles so that we can comfort others. When they are troubled, we will be able to give them the same comfort God has given us.” 2 Corinthians 1:4