We got to celebrate a friend of ours wedding this past weekend and the food was to die for, gourmet. As I was praying this morning, I was telling God that I wanted to be more mature, right now. He so gently said to me, “You’re not on milk anymore”, my response was, “Yea, but I’m not to gourmet yet either.”. His beautiful answer to me was, “Everything is gourmet in heaven.”. I chuckled, I simply love His replies to me and He truly does know my heart and I am mostly grateful for that.
No one really knows me, no one really knows anyone. I’m so complicated and I dare to call myself rather deep. I think on things and process through them but I am learning that I do it differently than others. I am consistently looking for what I do in a situation when it becomes explosive or heated in the least. I want to do it differently the next time. I haven’t always been like this, but I find it is the most common way I process through things these days. God and I were talking about my maturity because I had just felt a tinge of regret for the way I was most of my adult years and again last weekend. Now that He has opened my eyes to His Kingdom, I see a lot more than the surface of a problem or situation, I see the enemy. Satan is constantly battling our thoughts and ramrodding us once he sees a lie has latched on. The whirlwind affect of those lies turns into so many emotions that what comes out of our mouths damages, even destroys according to the Bible. My heart wants to respond gently even in those times, but I am nowhere near there!
Christmas season is tough for me. This year has been the easiest since my mom passed by far, but it still has not been easy. The enemy knew I was stronger so he brought in back up with us closing on a new building this month, next week, and the stress that brings with the finances and the move, it is challenging to say the least. Hubby has had so much on his plate with this purchase and the building is a gift from God, however the timing is the work of someone else. We were supposed to close last month but it took longer to get things done and now it’s next week. When Hubby gets stressed, all relationships get put on the back burner and that brought us to some major disagreements the past two weeks. Even when he was home, his mind was still at the office. I know many women can relate to that, my mom sure could. However, Hubby and I are different, it hasn’t always been that way. Stress, yes, but he hasn’t put his business first a lot of our marriage. His dad told him as a young man that you couldn’t succeed in life at two things, so choose your marriage or choose your career but you only get one. I’ve spent most of our marriage thinking that was crazy but the truth is, because that is what he believed, he chose his marriage and thus we are super close. We talk about everything. Hubby’s beliefs have changed but old patterns are hard to break and he tends to only focus one place and sometimes can’t leave that place even when offered a different scenery.
The stress we have been under led to my daughter telling me that she hates Christmas season because I am always extra emotional. Ugh, who wants to hear that?!? I cannot stand the thought of my actions shaping my children’s hearts toward this season in a negative way. Even as I am typing this I had to stop and cry for a minute, sob is more like it, and apologize to God for my actions and reactions causing her to say she hates Christmas season. My heart is sobbing and crying out to Him how sorry I am even now. That was the maturity things this morning, my actions have a ripple effect and I didn’t even realize what I had done. The reason she said that to me was because Hubby and I were acting more like children than adults this past weekend and she lives here so she was witness to it. I HATE that. I long to lead our children in the way they need to handle things in life, not the way the two of us have done it over the years. That is why I was talking with Jesus about my maturity this morning, my behavior really has harmed those I love.
Taking a break while writing this post has led me to see something I didn’t realize, I got wounded last week by someone else as well, my dad. I don’t have a relationship with my dad or either of my biological brothers. I used to have one with my middle brother, but he has chosen to not have me in his life the past few years. I hate it but it’s what he wants and I want to respect that AND he can’t see that he has treated me with such disrespect in some areas and I don’t want to be treated that way. My oldest brother never had time or desire to get to know me as an adult and I kind of don’t blame him. I was a messed up young woman but with my story, I don’t know how I couldn’t have been. My dad, well, he comes around with an email or text about every six months and a present on my birthday but anytime I try and have a real conversation with him, he reminds me that I simply don’t fit in his world. This year, I actually got an invitation to Christmas day lunch but was quickly put in my place when I attempted to have a conversation about Nate joining us (who I introduced to you a few posts ago). He said that he is welcome but conversations from the past cause me to fear it anyway, so I wanted to talk about it. That led to him saying things that caused me to realize that he doesn’t really want to know me or my family and that is simply the way it is. It’s like we don’t even speak the same language and the way he speaks to me is not becoming of a daughter of the King. So, I lovingly declined his invitation. He is on his third family and they seem to fit, I pray God blesses him and his family but I know that I don’t belong.
I stopped to check my heart just now because of the words I typed. I’m okay. I am going to be okay. I have asked God to create a new family on this earth for me, outside of the incredible husband and kids that I have! He is doing that and has been at work on it since I was born, but I know that I somewhat have to leave the past behind and know who I am in Christ. I am so blessed and this Christmas season has just turned for the light. In Jesus’ name, our kids will love Christmas season going forward because I don’t have to look back anymore. And Hubby, he gets to have his stress if he really needs it, but I want you to know that he changed his mind about some things this past weekend and we are in a really good place. We ended our weekend in each other’s arms and rested there. That is the gourmet.
“For someone who lives on milk is still an infant and does not know how to do what is right” Hebrews 5:13