I’ve started about ten books, each one of them has about 3 chapters read and yet none of them have grabbed my attention so that I have gone back for more. Nothing is grabbing my attention at all right now. I’m not excited about anything and everything seems like effort. I’ve read that means I’m depressed. I would assume that with this “shelter in place” order we are all following to the best of our ability, there are a lot of people depressed. I wish mine would have started there, but it didn’t. It started last year and this pandemic has only made it worse. I want to be happy again, I want to have the hope that I had through early last year, but alas it is gone. When I left Matt last year, that was just about the tip of my iceberg that was about to crumble, and crumble it did.
“It’s so difficult to describe depression to someone who’s never been there, because it’s not sadness. I know sadness. Sadness is to cry and to feel. But it’s that cold absence of feeling—that really hollowed-out feeling.” —J.K. Rowling
I read that quote and it resonated with me. I really feel numb. I don’t know that I have ever felt quite like this, at least not sober. It’s like I am completely out of control and everything and everyone are making choices that bring pain. No one is doing that on purpose, they are living their lives but unfortunately, it causes me pain. I’ve lost the joy that used to come so easy to me. It’s been a long time since I’ve been able to find that joy, it’s even hard to remember what it feels like. I dreamed about this time in my life for many years and now that I am here I’m completely lost.
For many of you that know me, this may come as a bit of a surprise. Especially if you have seen me in public. One thing I learned to do as a kid was not to let my feelings out for others to see, including family. The last time I was at my lowest I ended up on life support for a week. This time I don’t know what I am going to do but I can tell you THAT is not in my future again, not if I can help it. I am not physically ill, I am simply numb.
So many things have happened in the last year and it has been very hard. I’m tired. I’ve chosen to let go of relationships with people that are “supposed” to be lifetime relationships, because they are so toxic. I’ve had to stare some of my biggest fears in the face in some relationships, regardless, those relationships will last a lifetime. And for a brief moment in time I had to walk away from my best friend, Matt. Praise be to Jesus alone that he and I are working through our stuff and neither of us want to do life without the other. If that wasn’t the case, I don’t know where I would be today. Thank you Hubby for your effort and for helping me to see that you love me and want me for life.
The worst part about all of it is the loss of intimacy with Jesus. In seasons when I am at my best, His friendship is such a blessing. In this season, I can barely hear or feel Him. Matt is closer to Him than I may have ever seen him, his prayers are incredible. I’m having a hard time even praying. I’m grateful to have Matt’s covering in this time because again, I don’t know where I would be without it. I don’t know what to do to pull out this season. Everything seems to be falling apart and I can’t save anything. Including myself. I’m grateful when I cry because at least then I am feeling something. I want to feel again but I don’t know how to when everything around me seems so wrong and I can’t do anything about it.
Jesus, please come for me…
“Come quickly, Lord, and answer me, for my depression deepens. Don’t turn away from me, or I will die.”
Psalms 143:7 NLT