Tonight as my heart was breaking with the rejection that I feel from a sister in Christ, hubby asked me a what if question, “what if, you forgave without sharing your heart toward this, what would that look like?”. I don’t even know how to answer that. Wow, what does that look like?
As I am bawling on my bathroom floor, completely laid out, I hear God say, “what does that look like?”. I ran to the living room to tell hubby what that looked like, “that looks like Jesus!” I yelled. He didn’t know how much in tears I was, but he did know I am hurting, how couldn’t he? He’s been with me for 28 years! Says the naive woman who has been with her hubby for 28 years. I made sure all the “sound devices”, you know TV, radios, etc, were loud enough to drown out the desperate cry for help, which I am choosing to take to God instead of hubby. Tonight I am sad. My heart aches and way too many questions that hubby asked took me back to my middle school years. I recall the day when I had a girl stick a fork in my face in the cafeteria and tell me how to behave “if I didn’t want to get my ass kicked”. In middle school I complied the best way I knew how, keeping my mouth shut. And, of course, make friends with anyone that would make that day null and void! I did both. So, when the day came that my mouth got me in trouble, I knew I had a friend and yes, she saved me from the butt whooping. Thank God!
I don’t keep my mouth shut well. I know that about me. When my heart aches, I want to tell the person that caused that ache and let them see a different picture than the one they have. As hubby and I have been seeing our marriage counselor he has given pictures and words to things I was naive to. My favorite was a picture of the full iceberg. (I will add it to the bottom of this post so that you can “see” for yourself.) We, as Christians, are all looking at the same iceberg, the same Christ, and we are ALL wounded, broken, crushed. We see it from the perspective of where we are placed around the iceberg, some see the bottom, some the top. We are all looking at the same iceberg, but we can only explain it from our direction of sight, or how we see it. It’s a common picture, the iceberg, but I may be on the other side of it describing it and, of course it looks different. Our Spirits are telling us one thing, and the enemy is telling us another, and sometimes we can’t tell the difference, at least I can’t. Tonight I am trying so hard to look at another’s life story (the other side of the iceberg), one that I know very little of but enough to see their pain too. Because my heart is in so much pain, I am having trouble seeing it. I want my heart to be breaking for her, not me, but I am not sure how I do that some days. It takes a lot of prayer, worship, and focus on what things are trustworthy, true, good, kind, you know, the things the Spirit is saying are true about me. I’m wounded. There is no other way to describe it, and rejection has been the theme in my life, one I would gladly give up! I wasn’t the one people ran to play with on the playground, I was the one left out. I didn’t know how to play their games, if I was hurting (which I was a lot), I said something to that person. My intention has grown over the years, today it is more about helping the other person see a different perspective of things other than theirs. If they see that, maybe it will make them think about someone else’s heart and what certain things could convey to them. Maybe being more like hubby is safer? He holds his feelings close to the cuff and I am probably the only person who gets to share in them with him.
My question becomes, is that who God made me to be? The one that shares her heart with someone when they hurt my feelings? The Bible tells me to go to my sister in love, with Him to speak with me, but can I do that? Do I have the maturity to offer my heart without causing future complications in hubby and my life? I keep hearing the word “courage”, I know what the backlash of being honest with someone else can look like in a Christian community and it sucks! I don’t know that I want to face that again, and I certainly do not want to bring that pain on my family, but how do I face her without her knowing the hurt her actions have caused? God is going to have to do a great work in me about this or I am going to have to share because when we see one another, she will know something is up. My face tells it all, my eyes do. For now, I am going to be still and work with Jesus because I know the lies the enemy is presenting about who I am ARE NOT TRUE in Jesus name!
I didn’t post this last night and morning is here. Don’t we serve a great God? New mercies for the morning! Today, my heart still hurts, a lot. I will see the sister’s husband today and that will be hard, but God has my heart and He gave me new mercy today so I will offer that to the best of my ability in all situations. And, I will trust God. He has me and will have me, and has had me in the past, His faithfulness to me is incredible so I will honor Him today by asking Jesus to flow through me in all areas of my life. I am human, I am healing, and I am getting stronger in Christ every day because I know He loves me and I am going deeper with Him as I watch my behaviors transform through my very eyes. I know God loves all of us and His faithfulness endures forever. The song at the top is what came on as I was talking with Jesus about this situation this morning and it brought me back to share. Again, I pray you see Jesus in my story, He has been so good to me always saying just what I need to hear in times of pain. God bless you all today.