This morning I was looking at how I always see what I assume is someone else’s motive toward me or to a situation at hand. It’s really a sad thing, I have done it with my children since they were young. I watched my mom question the motives of others and never fully trusting anyone, I think that is where I learned it. I also learned that I couldn’t trust very many people in my life and I am sure I had a wall the size of the Great Wall of China around me much of my life. Life was scary for me from a really young age, people weren’t to be trusted because they ignored me, I wasn’t very valuable. I recall everything I did having to have been thought through and planned, because according to adults around me, that’s the way people are…premeditated.
When I met Hubby, I remember doing things just to see if he would leave me. I still push the envelope at times, (and I can get quite dramatic at times, I just did it last weekend again) and Hubby stands steadfast and waits for me to stop throwing my fit. He is getting better at apologizing when it is his turn too! We are a normal married couple, I think, and we have disagreements and bad mood days when we both know how to push the envelope. Though fewer and further between, Hubby and I started out as kids together, and we still do things stupidly that most adults our age wouldn’t be caught dead doing. We’ve had holes in the walls that have been repaired more than once in our 27 years of marriage, neither of us holds our tempers well all the time. Gratefully, we seem to have grown out of that stage and I am starting to recognize that Hubby doesn’t always have a motive, sometimes it’s just a bad mood. Sometimes, it is simply not thought through before a habit of action came out of body and I get my feelings hurt out of my own habit. Through all of our years together, Hubby has proven to me that his loyalty is true and he still looks at me with that look of adoration, just as I look at him. I trust Hubby, beyond a reasonable doubt, and still sometimes I listen to the enemy as he whispers lies about this man I know so well and I think that he is premeditated.
What I am beginning to see in him too is this, he doesn’t take the time to think through situations and outcomes nearly like I do. I’ve noticed a couple of our kids are now doing the same thing, assuming everything means something. We see others and life as having a premeditation to it and thus others actions will prove the theory the enemy has offered. Here is an example:
A few years ago if someone texted me I was super quick in responding most of the time. Because I thought so much about what the other person would think of me if I didn’t, that’s what I did to say I cared. When others didn’t respond as quickly, or within a little bit after, I assumed the worst… they are mad at me, they hate me, something I said or did in our last meeting must have upset them, how stupid could I be, etc, etc, etc…all the way down the rabbit hole. Then, shortly following my plunge down said hole, I would receive a text that they had been in a meeting or with a friend and I would feel dumb for doing that to myself. I believe that is the essence of spiritual warfare that God talks about in the Bible, the enemy whispers a lie and because we don’t know the peace of God we tend to follow the trail to chaos. Until a few short years ago, that was my daily chaos and it was like living in hell compared to the peace I know and value today!
I found myself wandering into the rim of that rabbit hole this morning of judging the actions of another as if there were a motive attached. It has been happening quite a bit lately, I guess I should have realized that God was seeking me out to heal this place of mistrust. I want to trust that others have my interests at least a little bit on their hearts if I have chosen to have them in my life, don’t you? When you didn’t have that safety as a child, it is a long journey back to the heart of Jesus where you find total safety that He has you all along the path. The verse that is repeating in my head right now is, “Daughter, your faith has made you well. Go in peace, your suffering is over.” (Mark 5:34) I think of “well” as so much more than physical healing now. That verse is my promise from God, I don’t know what it looks like or feels like, I simply know that God is healing me from the inside out. My mom and I discussed her cancer and how we both felt it grew from the seed of bitterness that she didn’t know how to find healing from because of her divorce, and so I am the seeker for us both! She didn’t have a real long life here, 67 seems younger the closer I get, so I vowed to find healing from these deep place of rejection and unworthiness so that I can live a longer life to testify to the glory of our beautiful Christ. Because He chose me, that is the only thing I need to know. I may judge every motive wrong for the rest of my life, I may see things backward about a lot of things, but I am a chosen member of the Kingdom of Heaven. Everything I do while I am here is proclaiming His glory even when I am judging the motives of others, none of it is true if my Daddy doesn’t say it is.
I don’t know if anyone can relate to me in this or not. I was raised in a home with an attorney who sees things from special lenses, and now there are three of them in my family who practice law. I’m grateful I didn’t go to law school. I think it would be worse if I had, and I can’t imagine how Hubby would have reacted or felt. God has me on the path I am because love can outdo all things, even my lack of trust and all I will do is praise Him!