In America, being diagnosed is as simple as learning the “key words” you say to a physician for them to agree to put you on one of the myriad of pink, blue, white, orange, green, and all of the other colors of pills available to make you feel better. At one point in my life, I was on a lot of these medications, they would pile one on top of another because the one didn’t amply make me feel nothing. I took them, all of them, and it concerned Hubby a lot. A few short years ago I told Hubby that I would be on said medications until I died and he needed to leave me alone about it. I had no idea what God would do in just a really short amount of time, but it was nothing less than miraculous!
I have been diagnosed with so many different things ranging from depression to bi-polar. I understand that I WAS depressed when they prescribed these medications to me, life has not been easy from the time I was a child, a lot of people’s hasn’t been. So, they prescribe them for a good reason and with a good heart. I was prescribed one medication after another to fix what was hurting inside only what they really did for me was make me not have to feel at all. I really believe that is what they are designed to do, they work in the part of the brain that turns off the pain associated with our lives and the stories of our lives. Recently, in the book The Road Back to You, I learned that I am the personality that purposes to not hurt. Feelings are really difficult for me to handle so numbing myself with medication was a relief that I intended to continue for the remainder of my days here. But God, my fav two words, had a different plan in mind and I have not taken an anti-depressant in over four years! I don’t even know why I quit taking them or really when, it wasn’t a major event that I marked with time. I just stopped one day. I remember not telling Hubby because I didn’t know if it would stick, but praise God, it has! I started reading my Bible and praying each morning in 2013 and by 2014, that chain was broken. I can’t tell you what prompted me to finally start my days with God but I can tell you that it had to be Him and I still start my day with Him every day because I cannot imagine life without Him.
All of that being said, I find myself in a depressed state. I couldn’t really put words to it until today when I was texting Hubby and sharing with him the weight that I am feeling right now. I find myself crying when I am not really thinking about anything at all, literal alligator tears running down my face and all I can do is cry out for God to love me. Do I want to go and get on an anti-depressant? Part of me does, I don’t like feeling this pain in my heart. I know what it stems from and there’s is nothing I can do about any of it so what would it hurt to numb it a little? For me, I don’t think it is an option anymore. I don’t like to feel the pain of the weight of things in my life, but I don’t like to be numb to the joy of life either. God knew where I was and exactly when I would need to escape in a healthy way, our trip to Cancun gave me the rest I needed to look at this with a clearer, more effective perspective.
Depression is tough, we don’t choose it, it just is. I feel it today and it is very real. Things happen and we don’t have control over them or the outcome and that can be a heavy weight. I am so grateful that God has given me a new life, a life with Him, so that even when I am depressed within my body, I have a Father, Creator, Redeemer, and Sustainer who loves me and is for me. While I am crying, I will look up to Him and thank Him that He already has everything worked out. In the meantime, I will be going to counseling to sort through all of these thoughts and events so that this depression I am in can, at minimum, be controlled by the way I see life and look at everything. Thank you Jesus, You already have my steps lined out and You will make good of it all!
“And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to His purpose.” Romans 8:28
(My very favorite verse and promise!)
P.S. Thank you for sharing my life, ups and downs. I am not really afraid of being transparent with my life, because I have talked to thousands of people over my life I know we all struggle. I guess it is just the way God made me and I like it about me. I do pray that my life will inspire others to love Jesus with a fierce heart. He made us and He finds glory in our mundane lives and in our chaotic lives. Writing is very healing for me. Knowing others are hearing my testimony to offer to their own hearts or someone they know is a blessing to me. Today I want to thank you for helping me to heal.
Also, if you could “follow” me, that helps me get rankings on WordPress , I would really appreciate it. That will send an email to you when I publish a new post. Thanks!!