My Mom, My Heart

My mom passed away 12 years ago, she was an incredible woman. She wasn’t anywhere near perfect, but she was definitely perfect for me as a mom. She championed my brothers and me every chance she had. This morning I read a comment on yesterday’s post about our move from one of my mother’s high school friends. She said to me that my mom would be proud of me and my family. I told her that is the kindest thing anyone could say to me and that I agreed. Not so many years ago I would not have been able to agree with that compliment, but today I will receive it as truth.

Losing my mom at such a young age was so hard. When I start sensing a pity party coming up though, I think of my high school best friend who lost her mom at the age of three. I honestly don’t know which would be easier, never knowing your mom or knowing her intimately and missing her every day of your life. I needed my mom. Sadly, my dad didn’t really care for me. The memories that surfaced the week I was in Colorado were devastating, I hadn’t ever taken the time to slow down, get alone, and let my little girl inside speak. “Little girl”, I want to explain that. My counselor made it really clear to me that we, as humans, are always every age we have ever been. She compared us to a tree and how the rings inside are where they began and they still possess those rings. That gave me a clearer picture on what was going on inside of me. I am still the little girl that was greatly mistreated AND I am the grown woman that has been living in blessing since I met and married Hubby. Just before they opened the doors for my dad to walk me down the aisle to the man of my dreams, he looked at me and said, “You better make this work because I am not doing this again.”. What?!?!? No words of love and encouragement? My first thought when he said that was that he had recently married his second wife and her dad walked her down the aisle to him. I know it doesn’t make sense, but that was my normal. I am not sure what he was trying to do, but it doesn’t really matter, my marriage works.

The little Chandra inside was terrified when I arrived in Colorado. Deep down I knew memories would surface and I wasn’t sure I was ready. God had made it clear that He was ready for me, but I wasn’t sure I knew how to find Him in the pain. I also knew that I would never be all that God intended me to be if I didn’t go to Colorado. I’ve grown so much over the past ten years, but this was a step I knew I had to take to find true healing. I’ve always wanted to make my mom proud. She was my safe place, most of the time. She believed in me way more than I believed in myself and because of that, I wanted her to see that I would live up to all the conversations we had. For the first time in my life, I believe I am doing that. I’m letting go of the people that hurt me, God never intended for anyone to abuse another. I will continue to find my voice and God will bring me back to life. It has taken 10 years from the time I was on life support for a week to get here but I know it’s time and He has been preparing me for this next season. Sometimes we have to go through things so that we have the wisdom and endurance to help another through the same thing. I am going to use all that has been my story to offer hope and healing to anyone who was raised by a narcissist or was abused in their childhood. There is hope and healing in Jesus.

If I can offer anyone reading this the best truth I have found in the Bible and the reminder on my car tag it’s this…

“And we know that God in all things God works for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to His purpose.” Roms 8:28

God loves every human being. We get to choose to be a part of His family and He is grateful when we do. Humans are stubborn and admitting we are wrong about anything is difficult because pride gets in the way. Don’t let pride keep you from choosing eternal life with those you love and better yet, Jesus. My mom passing away first never made sense, but what if I had never found strength in God rather than my mom? He will make good of it all.

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