Who I Was Isn’t Who I Am

Who I was yesterday isn’t who I am today. God has revealed so much to me over the past three weeks of being alone, in silence. The dam broke this week. For the first time in my life I have ears to hear. I’ve prayed for that many years. I read in the Word this morning to keep on asking, eventually it will come (Matt 7:7). I’m wounded. And I’ve been a victim all my life. At least I’ve seen myself that way and didn’t realize it. I have also been sick, very sick. I don’t know the extent of what happened to me as a kid, I don’t know that I ever will, but it has affected me my entire adult life. I feel as if I’ve been fighting since I came out of my mother’s womb. This week I laid my weapons down.

I don’t know why, but for the first time in my life I was able to hear my oldest brother, Chuck. He called me and I didn’t answer. First I decided to pay attention to my body as my counselors have taught me to do. I felt fear just seeing his name pop up on my car Bluetooth. I don’t know if that was about him or me, or simply childhood terror. I prayed first and then returned his call. The call began a bit heated, I could tell he was upset with me from the beginning. His tone is typically somewhat peaceful but not that day. At first I bucked, that’s what I have always done. Then, the still small voice inside of me said to be still and listen, so I did. I asked questions too. Then he said something that made me incredibly sad and that was that some of my blog posts have brought destruction. Ouch. That was never my intention and not my heart. He told me that I was a good writer but that I wrote many times out of my own pain and that won’t heal anyone, only hurt. He is right. I’ve read back a few of my posts and now have deleted them from this blog. One of the posts I deleted was about Matt and I separating. Though we are going to stay separated for a season, I didn’t see things as clearly as I do now and some of the language was destructive. I decided anything I wrote in that time frame was not worth the read. I don’t want to cause destruction, the bleeding in my heart caused me to see things a bit skewed. Mind illness caused me to be a bit skewed.

I have been in pain a long time. Not only physical pain from the many surgeries and body replacements and removals, but severe emotional pain. It hit a head, or the bottom, the day I left Matt. According to wise sources, I had a severe panic attack. It took two plus weeks to settle back down and start to see things more clearly. I want to own my blog, so I am apologizing to Matt Ford for hurting him through my own pain. His love for me is so great that he chose not to steal my voice when I wanted to write that pain on here. I want to say to him in public, “Matthew Wayne Ford, you are a good man who also loves Jesus and you have loved me with undying love, now we both get to learn what that looks like with one another.”. We are still best friends and we know restoration is God’s design, but we have some work to do.

I’ve allowed things to happen to me. I have taken the road of a victim for way too long. I didn’t realize what that even meant until now. I’m not a victim. The truth of the Bible has come back to me over and over and I repeat it regularly. Isn’t that what Jesus did when He was being tempted to listen to the voice of the enemy and bow to earthly things? (Matt 4) I know the truth is that I am a Victor in Jesus name. He’s given me eyes to see and now, ears to hear. I am having to hear things about myself and my self-protection that are not fun to hear. I am owning those things because I know that I have a lot of blind spots. I know that God has me on a journey much like everyone else and I don’t have a clue what others have been through. I want my story to help me offer empathy to others so I can offer the truth through my story of redemption and restoration.

This blog will take on a different tone now. I considered chunking it and starting over because I am certain that God wants me to continue writing. My husband and many friends continue to encourage that and I know that I find healing in it. For now, I am not going to change anything because Matt challenged me to pray about it. He shared with me that this has been my journey and to chunk the uglier side when it so beautifully can lead to the glory of God might be a mistake. We are all growing and learning and repentance, or changing our minds, is difficult. I’ve laid the weapons down that I’ve been fighting with all of my life for some healthier choices like love, hope, and faith. Prayer and fasting will be the weapons I pick up first, and I will let God do the rest.

As Joseph’s brothers threw themselves to the ground offering themselves as slaves to Joseph, he kindly replies to them the truth God had shown him…

“‘You (the enemy) intended to harm me, but God intended it all for good. He brought me to this position so I could save the lives of many people. No, don’t be afraid. I will continue to take care of you and your children.'” Genesis 50:20

“And Jesus increased in wisdom and stature, and in favor with God and men.” Luke 2:52