Remembering

I know that a lot of people watching our lives on Facebook are really glad that Hubby and I are still together and working at our marriage. Yesterday was our 29th wedding anniversary. Nearly three months ago I wasn’t sure we would still be married to celebrate this anniversary though I wanted to be. I never wanted to leave Hubby, not at all. I knew that I couldn’t be all that God intended for me to be and do if I didn’t leave because our home life had gotten toxic. Gratefully, when I said “yes” to God and left, He saved us.

Marriage is hard. People in our society tend to give up on marriage easily, without a fight. I never wanted to give it up at all, I really like being married. I love waking up next to my best friend and lover every day. I like having our memories together so that we can talk about them and laugh at the things we find so humorous. I get sad for those I know who have had to leave long term marriages, they lose that bond and then have to be careful the remainder of their lives about sharing things that happened before the person they are married to now. I didn’t want that and neither did Hubby. Even still, our home life was not good and we were dishing one another pain more than love.

Since December, the day I left, things have gotten back to the early days of our marriage when both of us wanted to offer our best to the other and we are doing just that. I would say it’s gotten even better. We have worked on ourselves separately and as a couple. We found a really great counselor who’s been working with couples for 51 years who has helped many of those couples reconcile. His first goal is to help couples be friends again so even if remaining married isn’t an option, they can still get along. Hubby and I were friends and are friends, we just didn’t treat one another that way for a really long season. When things get as ugly as they had gotten, I didn’t know what to do to change it other than to leave. The day I left I didn’t think Hubby would choose me, and by choose me I mean he wouldn’t choose to look at his own stuff and realize that anger had taken over his true self. I’d prayed for years that he would have eyes to see and ears to hear. I wasn’t perfect either, I reacted to his anger and that increased the toxicity. I wasn’t sure what my future held but I knew that I wanted to give it to God and I couldn’t seem to get off of the hamster wheel long enough to fulfill my calling in the same home with Hubby.

Yesterday marked more than 30 years of friendship for us. We spent the evening together talking, laughing, and remembering and it blessed my heart. We are working on our own stuff so that we can offer our best and it is working. I like being married, I like being Matt Ford’s wife. I have no desire to look at anyone other than him because he is the only one who can make me feel like that 19 year-old girl who fell in love with her prince. I knew he adored me then and I know that he adores me now, that is such an incredible feeling to have a man who is still so in love with me after this many years! He calls me his princess and now he treats me every day like that is exactly who I am. That makes me so grateful that I chose him all those years ago and makes me want to choose him every day of my life.

I thank God that we both look up and when faced with the really hard stuff, we continue to look up. I don’t know what happened that caused us to get to such an ugly place but I can see how hard Hubby is trying to make up for that time and I am so grateful. Life would be a lot more difficult for me on my own. My memory isn’t very good because of anesthesia, medication, and a week of life support and my physical body has been through the ringer. Those things make doing things by myself a lot scarier. Only Hubby knows what I have walked through physically and so he is the best one to offer me grace there and help me along the way. He offers me empathy when I forget things, I need that. I’m so thankful that he chose to change and that he continues to choose me.

God will use our struggles for His glory. One day, I believe we will help other couples who are struggling in marriage and share with them that God can redeem and restore all things for His glory. I’m excited about our future and all that God is going to do for and through our marriage! We are joined as One and that is how we both want to stay.

Then the Lord God said, “It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper who is just right for him.” Genesis 2:18

“This explains why a man leaves his father and mother and is joined to his wife, and the two are united into one” Genesis 2:24

“Since they are no longer two but one, let no one split apart what God has joined together.” Matthew 19:6