This morning I got a rare Friday, typically we are up and out of here by 9am and working out by 10am, from there we are running errands and getting things done on our day off. Today Hubby is off to play golf with his friend and I am spending time enjoying the quiet and spending time with Daddy. I used to hate spending time alone, I would sleep to the last second and speed through the “getting ready” process to get out of the house and off to see people. On all of the personality tests, I am considered to be 100% extrovert, so spending time alone was like a dark hole sometimes. Today in my life, the time with Daddy is always blessed and perfect and I HAVE to spend time alone. See what God can do when we give Him a little bit of space to?
I know you all are used to reading this by now but this morning I found myself in tears on the ground, face down again. Just so you know, I used to not cry much. I found tears to be weak and useless and didn’t offer much tolerance for them. I am so grateful that God has taken that heart of stone and turned it into a pile of mush in His arms! This mornings tears weren’t a bad thing, they actually were healing for me. I don’t know why God took me to the place He did today, I am sure He has His reasons, but He took me back to my childhood. (I am going to be transparent here, so if you know my family please keep this to yourself, I am not out to hurt anyone.) I saw scenes in my head that have been there since childhood, the scene that took me tears was this… My dad taught me as a child that I was NEVER to interrupt an adults conversation…NEVER. One day I wanted to go outside to play and my parents were talking. I stood in the doorway of whatever room they were in and waited my turn to speak. I knew that just because there was a break didn’t mean it was time to speak, you had to wait for acknowledgement. After what seemed like forever to a little girl, my dad looked at me and said, “What are doing nosy, get out of here or I’ll give you something to be nosy about!”. Dad didn’t have much tolerance for kids. I kind of get it, I am a lot like him in general and since he didn’t, I didn’t. Because I am the mom, and I bonded with my kids by holding them, I have a special bond with them. But, I did not have much tolerance for any other kids until God started healing these places in me. My dad never held any of us as babies. I knew that was true, but my oldest brother confirmed it for me a few months ago when he was repeating a story he had told someone about our dad. (My hands are shaking and sweaty just sharing these things.)
That was the scene that started the flood of tears and from there my mind jumped to several scenes, the most recent just a few short years ago when my dad put his hand in my face and told me he was going to finish the story he was telling a couple standing in front of him. That was on Valentine’s Day and I hadn’t seen him in months. My youngest brother helped me to escape when I just stood there as a dutiful daughter and waited my turn to say hello to him and give him a hug. I guess that’s the day I recognized how unhealthy his and my relationship is when I am nearly 50 years old, actually at whatever age. My brother shared his heart on that matter and I remember going to my hotel room and bawling on Hubby’s shoulder just before I had to go downstairs and have drinks with my dad.
Those memories and more flooded my mind this morning, but God (there are those two life saving words), He was there! First, He held me as a little baby girl and He pointed out my eyes to me, bright blue-green, huge, innocent eyes. He spoke to me as that baby in His arms and told me how special I was and that He loves me dearly. My next scenes were several times in my life that I was alone and left alone when I was scared and hurt. I spent much of my childhood alone, kids didn’t seem to care for me much and I can understand it because I was desperate for attention. Everything in my house confused me, one thing was said and another was done. Sometimes when I would get hurt, there was no one there to take care of me. Twice I was caught in snow piles up to my chest and no one was there to get me out and I was so scared. As these memories flooded God pulled me up in His lap and I sat there and cried as He held me tight and whispered His love and that He was always there.
It was a healing morning and I am so grateful that I got an extra day this week because I needed it! School is going to kick my butt! I found out the first night that I have my major project due with my team in two weeks. I don’t even understand what we are doing! I have emailed the professor and he is going to help us get through this but it brings on a lot of stress and fear. That was where God has taken me today, through the fear and straight into His arms and I needed it more than I knew. The passage below is what my heart began to recite as God was bringing me back to real life and I am going to share it below. I pray you all have a fun, memory-making, relaxed weekend, God bless!
“The Lord is my shepherd I have all that I need. He lets me rest in green meadows; He leads me beside peaceful streams. He renews my strength. He guides me along right paths, bringing honor to His name. Even when I walk through the darkest valley, I will not be afraid, for you are close beside me. Your rod and your staff protect and comfort me. You prepare a feast for me in the presence of my enemies. You honor me by anointing my head with oil. My cup overflows with blessings. Surely your goodness and unfailing love will pursue me all the days of my life, and I will live in the house of the Lord forever.” Psalms 23 (NLT)