Yes’s and No’s

As I found myself outside my trainers building, rushing and late again,  I felt done. I slumped over the wheel of my car and began crying, weeping. This season of my life has been more stressful than I was prepared for when I went into all the “yes’s”. Yes, I can work at our office, yes I can go to graduate school, yes we can buy and remodel a building, yes we can add a second puppy, yes we can add a new office manager and I can train her (which will be a gift soon),  yes we can be C Group three nights a month (which blesses my heart mid-week and I leave filled with the Spirit, so yes), yes I can ______________ (fill in the blank.). I’m tired. That is the best way I can say it. And now, the physical symptoms of stress are really showing up even though I had proof by my hair falling out in handfuls over the past few months. Now, I am experiencing chest pains. I sat there crying for about five minutes and I clearly heard Jesus say, “go home.”. So home I am. Which I must say is rare because I don’t like to break commitments and this one we have broken so many times lately. And, we both need to be there FOR our health. Still, home I came.

I can’t fully figure out what is going on with me. The amount that I am doing doesn’t seem to be that much when Hubby is doing so much more. Still, I have discovered how he does do so much more and continues to go. He thinks about task, not people. I think about people, not so much task but still task. I verified this with him a few weeks ago, I asked him if his thought drifted to people and how they are and such. His response was, “well, sometimes but not real often.”. That is so foreign to me but I have read about Enneagram 5 and it takes a lot of work for them to become friendlier and more interested in humans than knowledge. I know that God divinely put us together so that we can help one another grow in those areas where it more work, and so that we can fill in the gap where we don’t venture at all. My heart has been so heavy for people that I love lately that I can’t seem to let go of it for long. I know how to break soul ties with people, John and Stasi Eldredge taught me that several years ago. (I’ll connect the prayer in case you would like to know about it.) I continually am offering other people’s human spirits back to Jesus and to His work in their life, but I still love them too. On top of all of the yes’s, my heart is breaking for loved ones.

I am not sure how to balance the curse of the ground in Genesis 3:17, working for our living and the rest of the beautiful things that God is offering. I’ve never been good at setting a schedule and sticking to it, I tend to spend too much time with Jesus in the morning and then start from behind running in late to the office. School this eight weeks has been a lot, a whole lot. We’ve had to read about 200 pages a week and have a quiz over them the following class, plus an additional article to read and write a paper about our thoughts four of the eight weeks. Then, we had a mid-term and a next week a final, so six of the eight weeks we met, we had tests. On top of that there is a final project due next week that I have started but am nowhere near finished. Oh, and because we were taking our team to Dallas the weekend we were in class, I had an additional project due that following Tuesday with no time over the weekend to do it. And, one more piece, it was icy one day and the university closed, and though it reopened for night classes, our professor canceled our class. But, just so we didn’t miss out on the lecture after taking our mid-term, we had an additional assignment due the following week. This particular class subject is heavy too. 10 – 15% of adults could be diagnosed with a personality disorder and many more have symptoms that fall within some category. As I am reading, I am thinking on people that I’ve known or do know in my life that have the stressers in life to send them to the doctor for medication or at least counseling to figure out how to deal with it. School thought alone has filled a lot of my time over the last seven weeks.

Add to it the new building and all the fun that comes in that but also, all of the work. Our new office manager is a God send, I am so grateful she asked us if we were looking. She picked us out, and the truth is, several people/patients have picked us out, but she was the right one. She doesn’t fully get her value in our practice or lives yet, but she will. I keep thanking Daddy for her over and over again. She actually saw the amount of stress I’ve been under and in her second week has taken the initiative to ask me what she can do to lessen my load. Not only that, but she has Hubby talking. I told her that she will be his work-wife and she has taken that to heart. When she does have conversation with him and thinks that she might be stepping on my toes, she asks. She hasn’t yet, but I assume she may and I may step on hers, we will learn. She is precious and she love the Lord, a great combination AND our front desk lady is really enjoying working with her. That will help to balance out some of the load I’m under, so thank you again Daddy.

Now there’s the rest of it. I know Daddy has me. I know that I will be okay. Of that, I am sure. When I opened my YouVersion Bible App, after I pulled into the garage, the first verse I saw was this one…

“And he said to her, “Daughter, your faith has made you well. Go in peace. Your suffering is over.” Mark 5:34

Has my faith finally made me well? Do I believe it enough to find life? There are definitely habits that I must kick to find life fully. I know that. God and I have been talking about those habits that keep me from being my best, and offering my best, a lot over the last few years. I know it is time that my cellular structure gets an overhaul. How do I know that? Because the habits that play out in my life are not working any more, not with the responsibility God has given me in both work and relationship. I want health and healing, how does that work with schedule and responsibility? I can tell you that I don’t have the answer today, but I am going to figure it out with the Lord. He knows and He will show me and guide me into it. I’m so grateful to have Jesus on my side, without Him, nothing would change.

I pray that the faith I have in Jesus Christ, my Lord and Savior, will one day be made whole and that any unbelief that I have He will give it to me. Like the father that asked Jesus to heal his demon possessed if He could…

“What do you mean, ‘If I can’?” Jesus asked. “Anything is possible if a person believes.” The father instantly cried out, “I do believe, but help me overcome my unbelief!”.” Mark 9:23-24

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