Bull in a China Shop

Now that school is finished, and the load has lessened some, my heart is determined to find time to rest. These past two weeks have been hell! Both weekends I was sick and until Monday I didn’t even feel human. I hate being sick! I figured it was coming because I wasn’t saying No to anything but gratefully, this one wasn’t anything like what I’ve faced in the past. I did take a trip to the Heart Hospital ER when some pain hadn’t subsided after seven days, but they assured me my heart is healthy. I have to say, that was a surprise to me but it isn’t the first time I’ve heard those results. With all the heartbreak I have experienced in my life, I expected that there would be signs of wear on my heart for sure. I guess the rest of my body is what took the fall.

Spending time with Jesus is my rest, so this coming weekend when Hubby and I go to a cabin to celebrate our 28th anniversary and hibernate, we each will be resting with Jesus. We started “alone time” with the Lord on our anniversary trips on our 25th year vacation. It was such a charge to the weekend and we spent the remainder of time talking about our own experiences with Jesus. It leads us to deeper conversation and intimacy. I know that may sound boring to some people, but for Hubby and I it brings life. On those weekends, He is revealing life to each of us through that time and through “our” time. Here’s the thing though, you never know what He will reveal and sometimes the things He shows me are painful. Is He causing me pain? No. But memories of painful times in my life do come up and here’s why it’s not as bad as I used to think, Jesus is there. He hears me when I cry out to Him about those wounds, the things that can’t be repaired because they already happened. This morning was one of those mornings. I’ve opened the door to a really important relationship in my life, a relationship that has caused a lot of pain for me and I’m sure that person. Still, it is important. I have to trust God in this time because I don’t want to be wounded anymore and yet, He is telling me to open it back up.

A few years ago I asked God to explain Proverbs 4:23 to me, it reads:

“Guard your heart above all else, for it determines the course of your life.” NLT

Since I began asking, I feel as if God has rooted it in the deepest parts of me. I know that He does not say “above all else” lightly, so it became my mission to discover the meaning within me. What I have determined is this, I need to guard the treasures of my heart as well as the pain. My treasures are my relationships with Hubby, our children, and the few friends I have allowed to get truly close. I know who truly knows and loves me and they know a lot of the wounds I bear. Opening this relationship does not appear to be safe, there are a lot of wounds and that is my pain. I know it will require conversation and looking back. How do you go forward in a relationship if you aren’t willing to look back and be accountable for things you have done? That goes even deeper, what is forgiveness?

In mine and Hubby’s relationship, we are willing to look back and tell one another we are sorry for the pain we caused, even if it was unintentional. We all have triggers and in marriage we get really good at pulling that trigger with our words, sometimes before we even realize what we are doing. I don’t think it is even our own thoughts, I think it is the enemy whispering things in our ear and when we are out of control we bite. Sometimes when we are in control. Wounding from childhood is deep, for all of us. In real relationships, don’t we have to go back and listen even if we may not agree it was our doing but rather it was one of those triggers? I used to go into those conversations like a bull in a China Shop. I laid my feelings out like they were the only thing that mattered and it rarely led to a fruitful ends. God has been training me for the past several years how to have much healthier conversations and get to a place of healing because the relationship was important. To God, the only thing that is important is relationship. Isn’t that the crux of His message? “Love God with all our your heart, with all your soul, with all your strength, with all your mind and love others as yourself”. Not all people have the depth to do that, I sure didn’t! As I’ve told you before though, I want healing and wholeness in my my spirit, soul, body, heart, mind, and will and in any relationship I am so gifted to have so I am seeking it with all that I am.

We will see what God does in this relationship He has instructed me to open back up. He wants me to see something in it, but not be wounded any further by it. I find myself in a place that I don’t know if I have the strength to endure, but God is with me. He knows me intimately and He says I am His sweetheart no matter what anyone else thinks. When I keep my mind there, I am safe.