This morning my heart is breaking for so many women. I’m covering my friends in prayer because I know that so many out there are in pain. If their hearts feel anything like what I’ve gone through then they are literally breaking. I want you to know that I understand sympathize with those of you going through separation or divorce. This is the most painful thing I may have ever experienced and my heart cries out to you. I know what it feels like when a husband’s words and tone can feel like an ice pick to your heart. I’ve experienced the pain personally. One day we were in The Garden of the Gods in Colorado Springs. Hubby and I were not agreeing about something and his tone and words had me in tears. He stood there and watched as I cried. I described the picture I could see in my mind when his tone and words were filled with anger toward me. I told him that it felt and looked like an ice pick jabbing into my heart. Gratefully I could see light coming through the holes and cracks that his temper were creating. That light was Jesus, but those cracks were him. He and all the other people who have let their own brokenness bleed onto me with mean words and unkind tones. That is the pain I feel and I am quite sure that many of you have felt it before.
Please don’t get me wrong, not only women suffer, everyone does. It seems as though life can bring us to the place that when we offer our spouse our leftovers. Not too long ago a young woman sat in front of me and said exactly that, she got the leftovers. No surprise, that couple is now divorced. We go into marriage with such high hopes for our lives and future together. Then life happens and one or both people have been so wounded in life that they begin to fake it in the world and bring home their leftovers – the worst. We are offering our woundedness to the person we tell that we love every day. When we offer each other our worst, sometimes it is essential to walk away. Walking away doesn’t always mean we’re finished with the relationship, sometimes it means it’s time to draw boundaries. However, by the time we walk away, reconciliation sometimes isn’t even an option. When I left, I didn’t believe it was an option.
We have to choose to love one another well and that means we have to change. I didn’t know how to love Hubby well and he didn’t know how to love me well. We both needed to change. Change is inevitable, the world changes every day. What can make us want to change? During the roughest seasons in marriage our spouse isn’t creating the desire within us to love well. I had to turn to Jesus and learn that only He can love me well during all seasons of life. His love makes me want to change, to offer my best to Hubby and to others. There is a great song out right now called Holy Water, some of the lines in the song are “I don’t wanna abuse Your grace, God I need it every day. It’s the only things that really makes me want to change”. I misspeak every day in some way. It wouldn’t surprise me if I hurt someone’s feelings several days a week. I don’t mean to and I don’t want to, but I do. God helps me to see things from other’s perspectives and the hurt that I cause which makes me want to change. I’ve heard God tell me I am special and loved, worthy and valuable. The way He loves me with those truths makes me want to offer the same to others. I fail at it consistently but I sure want to offer that kind of love.
To bring about the change necessary in our home I had to walk away. I didn’t want to walk away but it didn’t seem like a choice to me; our home life was toxic. No one really knows what is going on behind closed doors except for the people who live there. Gratefully we are not going to throw our 30 year marriage away. We both want reconciliation but with a healthier environment. I do know that it doesn’t work out this way for everyone and I know the decision to walk isn’t made lightly. Today, know that you are loved by God. Know that He has your heart and will get you through the hardest days. You will find laughter and joy on the other side of this pain. Don’t forget to praise Him while it hurts, He rewards that kind of praise.
“Be thankful in all circumstances, for this is God’s will for you who belong to Christ Jesus.” 1 Thes 5:18 NLT
I am grateful that God got us to the point that I realized I needed to change, regardless of how we got here – I feel like we are finally enjoying each other again! Thank you for committing to the reconciliation process with me, Chandra!
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I’m grateful he got you there too, even though the road is a little hard. My heart needs time to heal and so does yours. God will use all of this for His glory and our good. ♥️